Obsessive Lying

belinda · 02-03-2006, 12:28 PM

Any ideas on how to deter a 9 year old (4th grader) from obsessive lying? Sounds silly...and I thought I could get it under control, but seems I was wrong. I've tried everything from the biblical responses of "how do you think God feels about you lying" to, the "I don't believe you" tacktic with everything else that comes out of her mouth (but, that seems really harsh and excessive). I need help trying to deter her from lying all the time about everything. It seems to have gotten really out of hand. Even simple things like, have you taken out the trash becomes an immediate yes, when it hasn't been done. I'm getting frustrated with always second guessing her on everything! She says homework is done, it's not. Chores are done, they're not. When I ask her why she feels the need to lie, her response is that she's not sure why...she just does it. I feel bad that she always seems to be grounded for lying. I need guidenance. Any Ideas???

Help before I go crazy here!

Amanda05 · 02-03-2006, 12:47 PM

Hmm That is a really tough one! I think all you can really do is continue to punish when you catch her. You have tried grounding have you tried losing things like going to a friends, T.V, computer. In child psychology we learned that by that age it is like starting all over with behaviour so doing things that she would react too and remember next time she wants to lie and think "oh I hated not being aloud to watch my favorite show for 3 days!"

You could always make her punishment similar to her lie like if she says yes I did my chores and it was a lie you can bring her to what ever chore wasn't done and say "you were lying so now you are going to have to do the dishes every night for the next 3 days" Eventually she will get sick of all the extra work.

The key is to stick to your guns. Don't give in because you feel bad because it is just going to get worse.

On a deeper note some children lie because they feel like they have no control over what is going on in there lives. Do you talk to her a lot about how she is feeling and how school is going? You might be missing something. HTH

Jessica · 02-03-2006, 01:07 PM

If I remember correctly my oldest did the same thing, but in the 3rd grade. She got in with a bad group of girls and it was horrible! She lied to us all the time and she stole things (with her friends) at school.
I really don't have any advice. I guess I'm just suggesting that it could be a horrible phase.

belinda · 02-03-2006, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amanda05

Hmm That is a really tough one! I think all you can really do is continue to punish when you catch her. You have tried grounding have you tried losing things like going to a friends, T.V, computer. In child psychology we learned that by that age it is like starting all over with behaviour so doing things that she would react too and remember next time she wants to lie and think "oh I hated not being aloud to watch my favorite show for 3 days!"

You could always make her punishment similar to her lie like if she says yes I did my chores and it was a lie you can bring her to what ever chore wasn't done and say "you were lying so now you are going to have to do the dishes every night for the next 3 days" Eventually she will get sick of all the extra work.

The key is to stick to your guns. Don't give in because you feel bad because it is just going to get worse.

On a deeper note some children lie because they feel like they have no control over what is going on in there lives. Do you talk to her a lot about how she is feeling and how school is going? You might be missing something. HTH

You're a GENIOUS! I will have to try your suggestion of making the punishment similar to the lie. I have tried everything else...grounding, no friends, no toys, no TV, etc, etc and it just didn't work. Good suggestion!!!!

I agree that something may be going on deeper too...maybe I WILL have to talk to her and see what might be 'missing'.

You guys are the best! Thanks...I feel so much better!

Jessica -
Katelynn had done that too (in previous years - had hung out with the wrong crowd and got into stealing from school!

) I would have NEVER done such a thing...I guess that's what's so shocking to me. My mother would have

me if I had EVER tried such a stunt. I guess, mostly, my brothers and I were afraid of her. I certainly don't want Katelynn being afraid of me...I don't want to earn 'respect' in that manner...I just want the respect in general to myself and other adults. KWIM?

Amanda05 · 02-03-2006, 05:08 PM

Thanks Belinda you just made MY day

I am glad you found the suggestion helpful. I wasn't going to reply because I don't have older kids (well mine is 7 but way nieve

) but then I remebered learning about behaviour modification and was hopping I could give you some sort of support

belinda · 02-04-2006, 10:16 AM

Thanks Donna. It's nice to know that other people have had or are having the same issues. I don't have a lot of friends with older kids, so it's hard to get advice on things like that.

By the time I get home from picking up the kids at Daycare, it's 6:00. We have to eat dinner, do homework, clean and get ready for bed. But, I've found with Katelynn that she needs an abundant\ amount of sleep in order to function. I prefer to get them in the bed between 8 and 8:30...but lately, it's just not possible. The main problem is Katelynn 'fidgits' in order to not have to do her homework. It's a constant struggle every night. If I literally don't sit and watch her do it...it doesn't get done. For example...my husband got off of work early one day last week while I had a late meeting, and picked up the kids and was home before 4:00. I came home at 7:00, they had not been fed and she was STILL working on homework - YUP...3 HOURS later. And, still had another 30-45 minutes of it left. It was ridiculous. She could get her homework done in about an hour or less on a typical school night, so, I'm confused as to what is the problem. Maybe I will have to try extending their bedtime to 9 to reduce my stress on trying to get everything done in time. We have a routine...but, I think it was crammed into just 2 hours and was stressing us all out.

Thanks for your help...I will have to try this next week and let you know what happens. Also, if you have any suggestions on getting fire up under the hineys for doing homework...that would be great too!

belinda · 02-06-2006, 10:21 AM

Great suggestions! I always felt bad about not letting her finish it, but, you're right...enough is enough. If she can't get it done in the hour alloted (and, it's not an abundant amount of work), then, she will have to suffer the consequences of explaining that to the teacher. The teacher said at the beginning of the year that the kids would never have more than 45 min - 1 hour of homework a night. On a basic night, she should only have 15-30 minutes. I was just so flustered that she just couldn't seem to get it done! Even if she had 2-3 hours to do it!

I have her working at the kitchen table now, but, I hadn't really been 'watching' over her. I will have to be more consistant with staying in the room and making sure she is staying on task. I'm excited about trying everyones suggestions this week. Thanks so much guys!

belinda · 02-07-2006, 11:18 AM

Donna,

I just had to post and let you know that we tried your suggestions last night. It was GREAT.

We ate dinner, all the kids helped clean. My little Zach even emptied all the little trash cans in the house and tried to help more by folding his own laundry.

It was a cute effort, so I couldn't correct him and refold it. He tried, and I thought, well, what could it hurt? Katelynn did the dishes before and after dinner and cleaned off the counter. It was a great group effort. I've never had everyone so eager to help me...normally I'm yelling for someone to help around the house. It was truly wonderful. And, to be honest, it felt really weird. It felt weird having everyone just help without bickering. But, it made me a gleaming mother (even if for just one night). Katelynn did her homework as I read a book to Zachery and he read some words to me. They had a little of playtime and off they went to get ready for bed. I've never felt so accomplished in one night. It was great! DH even commented how great it was. Of course, you got all the credit! I said, "Yup, Donna from that new forum is a genious. I had great suggestions from everyone...and look, it works!" DH says thanks too!

We shall see how it goes for the rest of the week! But I couldn't help wanting to

you. Thanks so much. Even the constant everyday 'lying' has come to a holt. I'm shocked

. Don't get me wrong there is the occasional one that will sneak in, but, hopefully the overall change will continue. We will have to see.

I'm still trying to figure out a punishment for lying about walking the dog. Katelynn's newest thing this past week is that she will actually walk the dog and when I ask if what the dog did, she will say, "Both"...and when I drill her, I find that the dog only did one or the other or hadn't gone at all. I have explained to her countless times that the dog HAS to pee every morning and night. And, I've even gone into detail in explaining that the dog hadn't gone since the night before...and that if the dog hadn't had a chance to go that next morning, she would have to wait until we get home at 6:00 pm that day. I've asked Katelynn if she would like that. If she would like it if someone made her hold it that long. She would of course answer no...but, I just don't understand why she feels the need to lie about that when the poor dog is the one suffering the consequences. I'm trying to figure out what kind-of punishment for the crime I could offer her for doing that. Any suggestions on that one? Am I being too demanding? Should I just take care of the dog and not have her do it???? I'm trying to teach her some more responsibility and am seriously wondering if I'm asking way too much of her. But, sometimes I'm running really late for work, and just don't have the time to walk her. I just want to know that if I ask her to do it for me on occasion, that I can count on her to do it properly and not lie about it. What are everyones honest opinions on that???? Am I expecting too much???