Our Issues (VERY LONG)

Tricia · 03-04-2008, 10:50 AM

I know I have said before Rich has a pretty bad drinking problem. He was doing really good and for the past 3 weeks it has been awful. He drinks almost a case in one day on the weekends and ends up stumbling around. I HATE IT!!! He still helps around the house and sometimes it makes me wonder what I am complaining about. But the drinking isn't right.

This past Saturday Rich went to the dr b/c he was spitting up blood. He has bronchitis moving into pnuemonia. But his B/P was 146/100. He is basically a walking heart attack. I feel like I am already a single mom b/c I don't trust him with the kids.

Anyway, I am going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight and I hope it will help me work through my own issues with his drinking, because I can't make him stop.

Well on Sunday we were driving home to church and I started to write a letter in my head to Rich as if he had been dead a year. When I got home I put in on paper and this is what I said.

Hey Babe, 2011

We were on our way home from church today and I cried the entire time. Gage asked me if you were would take him fishing when you got back from heaven. I didn't know what to say to him. I can't beleive it has only been a year since you passed. It seems like it has been an eternity. Gage wants to know every day if you will be home. He doesn't understand that you aren't coming home. He cries himself to sleep at night because he wants you to tuck him in.

Bailey still sleeps on the floor even though he is 5 1/2 now. He says, every night, he wants you to "tuck in his bum bum." So I do it for him and he falls fast asleep. Tierney, oh sweet thing, she doesn't remember you. Gage and Bailey talk about you but she doesn't understand.

I still remember your dr's appt when you had bronchitis, I told you, you needed to take care of yourself and you just brushed me off. I begged you to go to rehabso that you could be around, but you just never got around to it. You felt your drinking was because you were bored or had a stressful day at work when in all reality your drinking was the root of all evil and it took you away from us.

If I would have known that you only had 3 years left I think I would have done something more drastic. I wish I had never met you because then I wouldn't hurst so badly. I don't want to get out of bed, but I have to , for the kid's sake. I watch our wedding video almost once a week and I cry myself to sleep. I don't want to go to bed b/c I miss your warmth. It is so hard without you. I miss you so much.

Doug came over yesterday and dropped off some wood and fixed some stuff around the house. I could hardly look at him because he reminds me of you. You should be the one fixing the house.

I hope you would be proud of me, I am still maintiaing my weight that I fought so hard to lose. Sometimes I wish you would just be here to yell at me and call me names because then, at least, you were here. I keep waiting for you to pull in at 3:10 and it just never happends.

I am still angry with you for not changing your own life for US, because it is now us who have to pick up the pieces. The look in Gage's eyes is so hurtful. If only you would have seen him get on the bus the first day of school. If only you would have waited tha day and didn't thing it was stupid. I wish you had not taken work so seriously and personally, you would have had a better time and not drank so much. I know none of this is really true. I just start to rationalize like you did about your drinking. But when it comes down to it, the only ones who suffer is US because you are gone and we have to pick up the pieces.

The kids lost a fabulous father, mentor and friend. I lost my soul mate. Something I will never get back. I want to feel your touch and warmth. I want to see the kid's faces light up when you get home from work and they will never have that again. You will never see Tierney start school or walk her down the isle on her wedding day. You won't be there for Gage and Bailey when they have questions about their girlfriends, that I just can't answer. On day Tierney will ask me why I didn't do something to make you take care of yourself and she will be mad at me. She won't understand that it was your decisions and I couldn't make you do it. I couldn't make you quite drinking because I know I tried so hard so many times.

I wish you were here, I wish you could see the kid's. We are only making it because we have to. I certainly don't want to. Ther eis such a hole in my heart that can't be filled; I died the day you died. My whole desire for life is gone. I do everything I can to put on a smiling face for the kids. We miss you so much and we all wish you had valued yourself enough to take care of yourself and quite drinking. Maybe you would still be here today.

I hope one day the kids will forgive me for not doing more. I love you and I wish you were here.
Me

After he read it. He told me Rehad would be a waste of money b/c he doesn't know what is causing him to drink. When in all reality going to rehab would address all of those issues. I can't do anything/

Val · 03-04-2008, 11:13 AM

Wait, did you give him this letter to read? Did I read that correctly? If that was his response, you need to take charge of your life.

And, if you haven't given him to read, you need to MAKE him read it. Every effing word.

You deserve so much better.

You have ONE life.

ONE.

I am so upset for you right now I could cry, Tricia.

And don't get me started about the kids and how this affects them.

You HAVE to make a change.

Angela · 03-04-2008, 11:29 AM

I teared up when I read that Tricia... I'm so sorry he is not responsive to your attempts...

Kris · 03-04-2008, 11:31 AM

Reading this just pisses me off.

He doesn't care?? So, basically... you and your 3 children aren't worth as much to him as a few beers??

That speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Tricia · 03-04-2008, 11:43 AM

He read it. I am taking care of me right now. He is........................I don't know what he is.

I know he was sober when I met him and the only reason why he started to drink was because of me. I can't responsibility for that but I do. He is a great father and a great husband minus the drinking.

Ladt night we all took a walk in the woods it was nice. It isn't like he doesn't help out, feeze he doesn't he call me names anymore. It is just the drinking and stumbling around I can't handle.

I am willing to listen to anything you ladies have to say so go ahead and say it, I am listening,

Val · 03-04-2008, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tricia

I know he was sober when I met him and the only reason why he started to drink was because of me. I can't responsibility for that but I do. He is a great father and a great husband minus the drinking.

Oh Hell no -- drinking because of you? Nuh uh. Don't even do that to yourself. I could make up excuses all day for DH.

You and I, and the rest of the world all know that we're each personally responsible for our own actions AND inactions.

It's that simple, and that complicated. Don't you dare...

Emma · 03-04-2008, 11:53 AM

I really can't imagine that he would read that and then not do anything to change the path he is on. It is very sad. He has it all and just doesn't see it.

Tricia, the drinking is not your fault! He chose to take the first drink. He did, not you. After the first drink his disease took over and he needs treatment for his addiction. If he chooses not to get treatment, then again that is his fault and not yours. AA doesn't cost. He needs to make that commitment and do the 30 meetings in 30 days. Your family matters!
How was your meeting? Did it help at all to hear other people talk about the same issues? I know it was only one meeting, but you will find a lot of good resources there.