need some help

RetromamaJess · 08-02-2007, 06:25 AM

Dh wanted to talk last night. He didn't want to make things worse(maybe that's why i've been up since 4:30 this morning) but he wanted to get things off his chest. I think a lot of what he is feeling is normal, but i don't know how to deal with it, or what to do to make it better, so i need some advice.

I have been depressed for years. Most of our marraige it seems. I never wanted sex. We would fight about it, he would agree to buy me shoes or a purse or something, we would have sex, and then that would be it. DH deeply resents me for having to buy sex. I understand that, and I understand where he is coming from. But I don't know how to go back and make anything better.

He said I would do just enough to get him to cum, and then that would be it. There was no passion, no explosion, nothing. It was always "just enough"

Mind you it was hard to hear all of this, but I listened with an open mind, and tried to figure out how to fix things in myself.

He told me that everyday, he would go in the bathroom, take care of himself, and move on, and it killed him.

I have no idea how to be intimimate, no idea how to let my fears go. I don't even know where to start.

Then he started telling me that what he wants he dosen't think is normal, and he dosetn' know if he could ever do it with me. He has a hard time seeing me as anything other than a mother. He said the things i want to do is so hard, because you kiss our kids with that mouth. I understand his point, but i told him he really needs to try and remeber when we are in the bedroom, it's us. I'm not anyone's mom, i'm his wife. He's having a really hard time with that.

He was telling me that he likes pain, and it was soo embarresing to him to tell me these things, and i swore i wouldn't tell anyone...(opps)I just don't know what to do. He said that he has felt nothing for so long, and pain is the only thing he has felt. He said that's why he likes tattoos, because they are painful, and that's why he things women with tattoos are so sexy...because he knows how much they hurt, and that is sexy to him.

I asked him to give me some examples...he said anything he has tried to do, i have told him to stop. He said that his idea of exciting is to be held down(me or him) and no matter how many times the other person says stop, to keep going. He said that he wanted doggy style for so long, and i didnt want to. He said he really just wanted to burry my head in a pillow, pull my hair, and go at it.

I don't think he is a freak,i really think all guys have these fantisies. He just keeps telling me that he dosen't think he can live them out with me, and that is the part that hurts. Do I make any sense?

Tricia · 08-02-2007, 09:03 AM

It does make sense. BUT, those are things that I think only a professional conselor is going to be able to help either of you through.

Dominatrics has a safe word (according) to CSI

, but to me it doesn't sound like he would respect that safe word and for you that will put you mentally back into an abusive situation (NOT THAT DH WOULD MEAN THAT intentionally).

You really are going to have to be secure in YOURSELF to be able to explore more in the bedroom!
It is good he is talking to you. and you to each other. But he also as to respect YOU and your feelings.

Emma · 08-02-2007, 11:48 AM

I PM'd you.

Koloe · 08-02-2007, 12:27 PM

Definetly some thing to discusse with your councelor.

Terri · 08-02-2007, 02:52 PM

Does he really expect the sex to change while you're pregnant?!?!?!?!

I didn't want it at all during my entire pregnancy and for at least 9 months after Carson was born.

He may have his needs, but if they're not being met right now while you're pregnant he needs to be MUCH more understanding and forgiving!

Todash · 08-02-2007, 11:21 PM

BDSM.

There are some very helpful sites. not just porn. Those are to the extreme. Some men get off on being "control" by a woman, being caused pain by a woman. Nothing freakish about. It just a different way. You both just have to come up with what works for you.