The verdict is in

Tricia · 09-04-2008, 07:24 AM

This is very very difficult for me. But here it goes. If you can manage to stay and/or follow me to the end then you are a saint and God Bless you, If not, I don't blame you (I wouldn't have read that crap either)

I went to my therapist yesterday and my first every psychiatrist appt. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar. Right now she said I in a "rapid cycling" stage. Severe aggitation, suicidal thoughts, depression, Lets just say the whole 9 yards.

I had the hardest time being 100% honest with her, but I had to. So many things are going through my head right now, I will attempt to stay on track.

There were some key things that had MAJOR red flags for her. The long term (since I was very young) suicidal thoughts / tendencies. The severe postpardum depression, the Mood swings (just sitting in her office). The fact that my antidepressants would work for a short period of time and then I would crash (This is my 3rd crash in a year and a half or so, that I can remember) There were some others I will try to remember.

Anyway, I am very very upset right now. My new drug, she said she doesn't know if I will be able to continue to bf'd Tierney right now. I KNOW, I KNOW, my health and safety comes first, but that isn't what I want to hear. This is my last and I didn't want to quite nursing her until she was closer to a year old.

When she told me it was Bipolar, a switch went off and I pretty much looked at her and THOUGHT "How long have you had your degree, 2 days, I am NOT BIPOLAR" But I asked her if she was SURE I was Bipolar. She said She DOES NOT even mention Bipolar if she isn't sure, she said Bipolar is WAY OVER DIAGNOSED and she doesn't diagnose it lightly.

She said she wasn't comfortable switching my antidepressants because antidepressants don't work for Bipolar and can often make things worse (kinda makes sense). She said she was VERY concerned with my saftey. I told her HONESTLY how often I have thought about suicide. That was REALLY HARD. I don't want people to know that. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want to feel this way, I really can't help it and I am so desperate to feel better. But it is the truth. I have come so close, so close it is frightening to remember that I was sitting outside with our pistol. I don't think I would have done it then, but lately..... and that SCARES me.

Then after she gave me this diagnosis, I kinda freaked and thought "They are going to take my kids away" Which I RATIONALLY know they wouldn't do but some days and some times I think it wouldn't be bad.

I told her that I was going to check myself into the hospital last week and she said that right now I DIDN'T HAVE TO but "Can Rich take a couple of days off work" Meaning I probably really should be.

I can't start my meds until I get word from the pediatrician as to wether I can nurse or not. I am not ready to hear no!!! I am not ready to hear I am Bipolar. I am kinda grasping at all straws for it to BE ANYTING BUT Bipolar. I even thought, last night, that I might be PG again. Of course I tested and it was Negative. Rich said it would be cheaper to be Bipolar than PG right now, but I think it would be easier to be PG than bipolar. I keep looking at the stupid test HOPING I see a line, so that it is anything BUT BIPOLAR. Of course I want to see a line and I think my eyes are messing with me. Needless to say, I have to get blood work either this am or tomorrow, VERY SOON, because she wants to closely watch me, my chemical Blood change as I start my meds.

Anyway, I don't feel very great right now. I feel quite crappy, emotionally. I don't know.....................................

I am trying to do some research and this is what I found

"Women with bipolar disorder are often undiagnosed until after they have children (Freeman et al. 2002). However, they pose a treatment challenge. Since their illness often manifests as major depression in the postpartum period, they may be treated with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Unfortunately, in women with bipolar disorder, these medications can also trigger manic or rapid-cycling episodes. For these women, the anti-convulsant medications (such as Depakote) may be more appropriate in that they have both mood-stabilizing and antidepressant effects (Leibenluft 2000)." Along with other stuff that nails me on the head.............................................. .

Koloe · 09-04-2008, 09:49 AM

I'm sorry.

I hope what ever they do give you helps you start feeling better. I would do a Hales check on any drug they want to put you on and see if there are any safer options if that one isn't safe for Tierney.

Emma · 09-04-2008, 10:32 AM

I know it was really hard to come out and tell us about what's going on, but you need all the support you can get and we are here for you. I looked up the breast feeding info available for Depakote and it IS compatible with breast feeding according to American Academy of Pediatrics. There was one case where an infant experienced ill effects that were reversed pretty quickly when mom stopped bfing. Lithium on the other hand is contraindicated in bfing. My reference is a few years old and doesn't have the info on the newer drugs (Seroquel, Zyprexa). I would be happy to do any research on those if needed.
We love you sweetie and just want you to feel better.

Lisa · 09-04-2008, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma

We love you sweetie and just want you to feel better.

I agree with Emma...remember we are all here for you.

Terri · 09-04-2008, 12:44 PM

Tricia, I know this wasn't easy for you to open up about your diagnosis, but I'm really glad you did ~ we're here to support you in any way possible!!
Have faith... YOU WILL make it through this.

Pautzie · 09-04-2008, 01:22 PM

I know this was a hard thing for you. Don't be embarassed with us. We love you for who you are; whether you have a bi-polar diagnosis or not.

Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Tricia · 09-04-2008, 03:37 PM

Thanks everyone, I have had a pretty rough morning. I still haven't heard from my Pediatrician, Psychiatrist or anyone else about starting meds.

I have had a pretty rough morning and I really really want to just go to the hospital, but I am really afraid of what they are going to do to me.