RetromamaJess

My dad was very abusive growing up...mentally, and physically. I spent most of my childhood wishing my mom would leave him. He never attended family functions, because he always had a gripe about this one and that one. He didn't speak to his father, and didn't see him until he was in the hospital dieing.

I have 2 1/2 brothers, who didn't speak to my dad for the first 21 years of my life. They refuse to return my phone calls, and I don't know if they are talking to my dad at this point.

When Tony and I were planning our wedding, my dad was just giving me such a hard time about paying for things. In all that I had been through in my life with him, I made the decision to have my mom walk me down the isle. When I told my dad, he was extreamly upset. His sister called and bitched me out (I was REALLY close to her and my grandma) And everyone from his side of the family sent letters saying "Due to unforseen circumstances, we will not be attending your wedding...." I was hurt...VERY hurt.

A few years ago, he tried to reach out to me...he send me flowers when I had Mike. All the card said was"Congragulations, Love, Dad" And it was his handwriting. When I called him to tell him about the wedding, he said he no longer had a daughter.

His wife called about 3 years ago to let me know he was in the hospital(I didn't even know he got married) I asked her to call me if things turned out to be bad. She told me he really missed me. I told her HE choose not to talk to me.

I've been really thinking about my dad, and all the good times we have had in my life. I want to call him. He's never seen my kids. I don't even think he knows about Dean. I want him to be a part of my life. Tony dosen't want me too. He thinks he's too violent, and that his suicidal tendencies are still there(he tried a couple of times when my mom left him)

That very well may all still be there, but I won't know unless I call right? I don't want him to die, and me live with all the guilt that I never took that first step to reach out and try to contact him. I would feel sooo awful if something happened, and I never got to make a mense with him, and make things right. Tony's scared that it's going to affect our relationship, because i was so emotional when I was talking to my dad. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. He dosen't want my dad to see our kids, because he's scared of what he could do. I trust my dad 100% with my kids....I would NEVER put them in a situation to where they were in jepordy.

We all know I HATE his dad, but I go over there and have dinner, and do things with them because it's HIS dad, and I'm showing Tony respect by doing it...even though I think his dad is a scum bag.

Should I call my dad? Who knows, he might just hang up on me...

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Koloe

It's hard living life with regrets. It sounds like he has made the first move towards reconciling - you could return in kind if you feel like doing so. It might not work out, but then again it might. As for trusting your children's safety with your father, I don't know why you would if he abused you growing up. He might not, but I guess I would not assume he would not hurt them.

I've been told that one of my grandfathers was a very mean person, but all I have are good memories of him. Though he died of cancer when I was only 6, so I didn't know him well. Age often mellows a person and makes them look hard at what they have done in life. Perhaps he regrets what he did to you? DB's father beat him up frequently when he was young - until one day DB beat him up, then his father realized he couldn't do that anymore. DB had a horrible relationship with his father when he was young, but now they get along very well.

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Angela

That has to be such a hard place to be in... I can understand being worried about having him around the children but I can also understand not wanting to wait until something bad happens to him and then regretting not talking to him before... Maybe if you did meet him, meet him with a lot of people around and don't leave him alone with the kids...

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Jessica

Coming from someone who has no relationship with her bio dad, I say call him. It hurts deeply to be rejected, but to know that you really tried makes it a little easier.
If things worked out you could set up boundaries, like rules. You could have control of the relationship and make it feel right for you. Does that make sense? If you had your guards in place it could help prevent you and the boys from being hurt emotionally.

Take a deep breath, say a prayer, and call him.

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Jessica
Mom to 3 girls
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RetromamaJess

I called him this morning, after DH and I fighting about it last night. His number was disconnected. I called his wife at work, and she cried. I got him new number and called him. At first he didn't realize who I was, and then when he realized it was me, he started crying. He told me he would have to call me back after he calmed down. He said he had been praying for this day for years, and that his prayers have been answered. Now the ball is in his court. He didn't know about Dean, but he heard MIke in the background. I hope this all works out for the best

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Emma

I totally agree with setting up boundaries. It was the best thing I ever did with my mom. Due to his history, I wouldn't leave him alone with the kids. If Tony sees that you are aware of the problems created before and that you will prevent it from happening again maybe he would understand a little better.

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RetromamaJess

My dad called back, and we talked for 2 hrs! It's like a void in my life i didn't know was there has been filled....does that make sense? It felt sooo good talking to him....adult to adult. We didn't bring up the past, just what we have been up too, the kids, etc. I feel a weight off my shoulders. I'm still going slow, but it feels right. I'm doing this for me, and only me.


I'm sure it's going to be a fight later between me and tony.....:eyeroll:

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Koloe