DH & I talked about #3 last night...

belinda · 01-26-2006, 11:24 AM

AND

I am truly having mixed feelings about it all. I want another...but am uncertain on if another will just stretch me too far. DH asked how I would feel about having another boy. I think he's afraid that since Katelynn is not biologically mine, that if we had a boy, that I would want another to try for a girl...and that's just not the case. Here are my dilemmas:
1. DH works from 9am-8pm...leaving at 8am and not getting home until 8:30 or 9pm. That's a 12 hour day. I am already stressed with having to do almost everything on my own now.
2. DH is currently going to school to get a computer networking degree. He will be done in April or May of this year, but I worry that he will want to go back for more education (I know that sounds horrible, and that's not the way I mean it, I just need help around the house). With him working 12 hour days and going to school on his days off...we find it hard to have time together because he is either working/going to school/ or doing school work.
3. $ - when is it NOT an issue. Last night, when we discussed having #3, $ came up...of course. My response to him was "if we wait until we have the $, we will not have another. We cannot wait to have the $...that will never happen."
4. DH wants me to stay at home if we have another ...and there is just NO way that can happen (unless he starts making some SERIOUS $). We both work, and I am the breadwinner. I make signifantly more $ than he does...so staying at home is just not going to work. I would have to keep 5 infants at $135 a week in order to make it worth it for me to stay home.

Yeah! Need I say more?
5. I have just started to lose some weight...and have a long way to go to come anywhere near my goal...I probably won't be close until about Sept - Oct. I certainly would want to be somewhat healthy before I start TTC. Is that bad? I told DH that we could talk seriously about TTC around this fall. But, deep down, I think I wanted a spring baby...but it would make more since to have a summer baby. (Less childcare if I'm at home during the summer when the kids are out of school - how sad is that???)...which would mean a late June, early July baby...putting my time at TTC around Sept - Oct...I'm wondering if that would be too soon for me...that would mean THIS YEAR...not next year! I can't wait until next year...next year would put me at 2008 with a 12 year old DD and an 8 year old DS.

On the plus side of things...
1. Katelynn is 9 going on 10, and Zachery is 5 going on 6. Katelynn will soon be able to stay at home by herself (so one less in childcare). They are getting so old that I feel like if I don't have any anytime soon - I won't have anymore...and that thought just makes me

.
2. I really want another, because I want another biological child (My DH got custody of DD from a previous marriage, so techincally, only Zachery is mine...even though I've raised Katie since she was 1 1/2!)
3. Originally my goal was to be done by 30...and now that just doesn't look like it will happen. I just turned 28, so I know that I have time...but I really wanted to be done by 30.
4. We already have the vehicles and the house for another baby. We have the fourth bedroom as an office right now, and I already have a van. I kept all of Zachery's baby furniture...so...

I guess just the whole thought of everything is a little overwhelming. The thing that scares me the most is that my DS and I almost died pre-delivery. And, due to complications during my emergency C-Section, I will be forced to have another C-section to correct some things (internally). I guess things were just difficult with that birth and C-Section and I'm scared to do it again. Is that horrible to think?

I really need some reassurance here. Sorry this is so long...I had to vent and get out some of my mixed feelings about this.

Kris · 01-26-2006, 11:53 AM

Well, if it helps any.... my dh works two jobs. He's a database admin. for his full time job (which is quite often 50-60 hours a week) and he's a teaching mentor at a local technical college. So, most days he's out the door by 7 AM and doesn't get home till 9:30 PM. The one night a week he does not work is Wednesdays, and that's when we have cub scout meetings. He's also stopped working Tuesdays so I could go back to work with WW, but that may change soon.

I honestly don't think you can be 100% prepared for another child, ever! There is no perfect situation. It's a huge responsiblity and a ton of work. Mine are all pretty little and my oldest is 7 so it's not like he can take care of himself, though he's pretty self sufficient with most things.

I also don't think you can totally plan out when you want to have a child. Babies come in God's time, not ours. So, while having an idea of when you'd like your kids spaced is a good idea, banking on it is NOT.

I guess you have to start thinking about it more with your heart, and less with your mind....and see where that leads you. When we rationalized everything with our minds, we figured that a 3rd would be extremely difficult and a big stress on our family. Our hearts told us otherwise. Sometimes listening to our hearts instead of our heads can get us deep in trouble. But, I think when it comes to procreation, sometimes the heart has to win out. =)

belinda · 01-26-2006, 12:00 PM

Whoooo...

I could

you. That makes me feel better...

I truly want another...it's just everything else scaring me into not doing it.

I agree, if it's meant to happen, it will. God's plan for me is so much more than I have for myself...so, in that regard...

I guess DH and I will do some more

and get serious talking about TTC.

I do think however that if we do TTC...I would like to start trying late this summer/early fall.

fyrestar · 01-26-2006, 12:59 PM

Kris makes a great point!

I think whenever anyone thinks about having a baby, there is ALWAYS a reason not to. When we thought about having #2 very shortly after #1 was born, there were tons of potential problems. We weren't sure exactly how we'd afford it, but figured we'd work it out. I was worried how we would handle 2 so close together, but figured other moms manage triplets and quads so there must be a way.

In the end, we couldn't afford it - but we do! Somehow we make ends meet every month. I made as much as DH and I quit and am now a SAHM. MIL helps us out and DH does overtime. If we still can't make it one month we use some of DH's school loan leftovers.

DH works 8 1/2 hours a day Mon thru Fri and takes three 3 hour classes (he's getting his Masters) every week. Plus overtime and tons of studying and writing papers. We see him very little (he's basically gone every day from 8am until 8pm, sometimes 10 or 11pm).

And it is tough having these two close together. There are times when both kids need something at the same time and are screaming their heads off and I just want to scream too

But I love it and I can't wait for Parker to get older and these guys to really start playing.

We're already trying for #3! And again, if we're completely rational then we know we really can't afford it and we should wait until DH is out of school and has more time to spend with us and help me. But that would mean waiting until he's done with his Masters, then his PhD, then waiting until he's settled into a job ... so that would mean waiting 7 to 8 years.

And then I'm sure there will be reasons not to have another too. So we just said forget it and we're going for it now.

There's a little saying I've seen a lot that I think fits perfectly - you won't regret having another child (no matter how tough it is), but you'll probably regret not having another one.

If you and DH really want one, then go for it - don't wait for things to be perfect because you could be waiting forever. You never know how long it will take to get pregnant, so there's no way to plan it. Just go for it when you're ready. Good luck either way!

belinda · 01-26-2006, 01:45 PM

guys! You are right! Absolutely right - I won't regret having one, but will regret not having one. Lovely put. Trish, this is true for you too. Let's seriously think about going for IT!!

Strengh in numbers!!!

Kris · 01-26-2006, 02:46 PM

Regarding financial issues... I think there is a HUGE difference in wondering how you will afford 3 children, vs. knowing that you absolutely can NOT afford it.

I say this because I have a friend who absolutely knew they could not afford a 3rd child, and went ahead and had that third child....and a fourth, and a fifth. She's the most unhappy person in the world. She adores her children, but she and her husband literally go without food at times so they can make sure their kids eat. It's a sad situation.

If we KNEW we could not afford three kids, Ian would not be here today. We certainly questioned HOW we could afford it, but realized that a bunch of little changes would make a huge difference.

fyrestar · 01-26-2006, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jayhawkmom

Regarding financial issues... I think there is a HUGE difference in wondering how you will afford 3 children, vs. knowing that you absolutely can NOT afford it.

I say this because I have a friend who absolutely knew they could not afford a 3rd child, and went ahead and had that third child....and a fourth, and a fifth. She's the most unhappy person in the world. She adores her children, but she and her husband literally go without food at times so they can make sure their kids eat. It's a sad situation.

If we KNEW we could not afford three kids, Ian would not be here today. We certainly questioned HOW we could afford it, but realized that a bunch of little changes would make a huge difference.

I certainly didn't mean that we would be going without food with #3 and of course no one should have children they truly can't support from birth through graduate school. I just meant we can't afford it with our current lifestyle. We like nice things and spend a lot on unnecessary stuff. But we know we can change that once another little one comes along. Lots of people make finances work with a large family, even if it's on one moderate income. There's always a way to make it work!

belinda · 01-26-2006, 03:32 PM

Yes...both of you do make a great point. We would have to cut out A LOT. Especially consideri